...and then I proposed her!!

  
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‘What if he comes with a formal marriage proposal? Will you agree to it?!’

I asked with a tinge of smile on my face as if I knew the answer. Somehow the countless hours we spent talking with each other instilled a positive feeling inside my head which made me think that I knew the answer. 

The brief silence was interrupted by her voice which by now keeps ringing in my ears even while I sleep.

‘Yes, I guess I will. It is not because I have something for him. I will agree to any marriage which my parents are convinced about’.

Her reply came without much of a thought. It was almost instantaneous. 

My heart started beating in my mouth. I had the feeling of free fall. My lungs choked. I gasped for breath.

We studied in the same school and I have known her ever since. In the three years we studied together and the countless times we saw each other in the next five years, apart from glances we never exchanged a single word. 

So it took eight long years and Mark Zuckerberg for us to start conversing!

I was not a fan of virtual relationships. Little do the words spoken via optic cables convey real emotions. They are capable of concealing more than conveying and I hate concealed minds. Nevertheless I have to say that our relation had the three ‘w’s attached to it! 

’Hello...you there?’   Her voice brought me back to consciousness. 

‘Hmmm…yeah, tell me’. I said regaining my composure. 

‘Why did you ask this question?’ she asked in her sweet voice.

‘Just out of curiosity’ I replied. 

I was unprepared to take further questions, just as I was unprepared for her answer to my first question. The conversation continued for some more time with me giving mostly one word replies and affirmative sounds. I hung up shortly after that and laid face down on my bed.

At times in life, realizations come after long sessions of introspection and at times like these; they come in the jolt of a moment!

Chatting over the internet had become a routine and then at one point she came to a situation where the internet access became limited only to the weekends, thanks to her hostel life! That took our relation to the next level – cell phones!!

I had a picture of her drawn in my mind over the many text chats we have had. I had imagined her voice; the way she speaks, the way she laughs, the way she jokes and what not! But my imaginations had little to do with reality and our first call was pretty uneventful. So was the second, third and the umpteenth! But now when I turn back, I see that each one of those ‘uneventful’ phone calls ended up adding something to the most eventful phone call of my life!

Starting off as a school mate, she went on to become a very close friend with whom I could talk anything without reservations. That is one trademark feature of her which attracted me. I love ‘free-talkers’ and ‘open-minders’.

So we talked and talked and talked …endlessly. Never once we hesitated to use the phrase ‘I love you’ in our conversations. And we were tolerant to each others ‘naughty’ behaviors at times which never crossed the lines. I still remember, once I had ‘accidentally’ sent a kissing smiley to her and waited for her response!
She said …. ‘Wrong smiley’ with a wink!

Applying for the Indian Navy was a major turning point in our relationship. It was then I started to tease her saying that ‘if I get selected, I will come to your home with a marriage proposal!’ It added certain flair to our relationship. In fact somewhere in the corner of my mind, I enjoyed saying this to her and I was sure that somewhere in her mind she enjoyed it too.

In this technology driven world, it is very difficult to keep things private, especially when you forget to remove the contact picture of your special friend when you go to a testosterone charged Naval Station. Needless to say, I committed that blunder!

When the smiling face flashed on my cell phone screen, the first question which I encountered is ... ’girlfriend hai kya?’

I had only a split second to answer YES or NO. I went for YES! And then I started to convince myself that a NO at that point would have attracted more questions and that was the only reason I said YES!!

It was followed by some dialogues which kept ringing in my ears for many more days to come. 

‘Achhi ladki hai yaar! Aajkal aisi ladki milna bahut mushkil hota hein. Jaldi se jaldi shaadi kar lo. Chod dena math!’

Even now I cannot comprehend how by seeing a photo one can say like this. But it hardly mattered. The damage has been done!

Getting selected for Navy was one of the happiest moments in my life. I called her up and said, ‘get ready to become the wife of a Navy officer!’ Her joy was indescribable. I could feel it right through my phone. But I could enjoy it only for a little while as the time allowed for us were very limited and I had to hang up the phone. Little did I know then that I missed a kiss over the phone! Our first kiss and I missed it!!

I could not sleep. I still couldn’t comprehend her response to my question. ‘Did I make a mistake reading her mind? Did I miscalculate? Where did I go wrong?’ Questions flooded my mind and I panted for answers.

She was there in front of me. She smiled but that smile gradually fainted. Suddenly it started to rain. She was there beyond that huge iron gate. Water level rose steeply. She kept staring at me. I could smell water. It rose above my nose…above my eyes…above my head. Water entered my nostrils. I gasped for breath. Somewhere in distance I heard a familiar song.

With a jolt, I opened my eyes! The song stopped. I was panting.  Sun rays swept across the room through the open window. I pulled myself up back to senses with deliberation. 

The song started playing again. It was my cell phone and her ringtone. Her face beamed from the Sony bravia screen.

‘Hello..!’ My voice was cold.

‘Still sleeping?’ asked the familiar voice. Her voice had mixed feelings in it.

‘Yeah’ I said. My voice still cold. 

‘What happened yesterday?’ she asked.

I dint know what to say. So I gave her the custom made reply… ’Nothing!’ 

 ‘Why are you lying?’ her voice turning somber.

‘If you are sure that I am lying to you, then you should be knowing the truth!’ I could have said it in a bit more humane way.

She started to cry. ‘I never said I loved him!!’ The sobs became heavier.

Tears are the deadliest weapon a woman can ever use on a man.

‘Please don’t cry dear…I am sorry!’ I tried to pacify her and succeeded to an extent.

When you are caught up in a time frame with two options in your hand whether to go or not to go; to do it or not to do it; to say it or not to say it; and you can’t arrive at a decision with logical reasoning, then always go with the green signal. Go-Do-Say!! A wise advice from one of my greatest friends flashed in my mind.

‘How far is your marriage?’ I asked.

‘Around three years’..

‘Are you sure that you won’t fall in love with someone within that three years?’ I asked.

‘No I am not…why?’  She enquired. 

‘Then better be sure about that. I don’t want to see my girl hanging out with some dung-head!!’ I said smiling.

‘What…??!!’ She sounded like she can never become more surprised in her life.

           

             …and then I proposed her!!

That girl with a Magic Wand - II

THE RENDEZVOUS

19 A. I stood staring at the name board for a while as my gaze slowly drifted through the various bus numbers and their corresponding routes. I searched for ‘Bidadi’ but could not locate it on the board. I turned and started looking for that not-so-familiar face among the many unknown faces passing by. No luck! ‘She may not have reached’, I told myself with a sigh. I stood there… waiting. 

...time crawled....

My uncomfortable wait was shortly interrupted by a light blow at the back of my head with a newspaper roll. A green kurti, a long cotton handbag, square glasses, bushy hair with a prominent forehead welcomed me with a big, wide beautiful smile. All those virtual images of her which I had in my mind started to swirl like a drop of ink in water. They were no longer necessary. Here she is…in front of me…smiling.

‘Finally, after the long wait, I see you’. I said looking into her eyes.

‘So do I’. She replied while we exchanged handshakes.

She had the perfect attire of a typical journalist, with her glasses hanging carelessly from the neck of her kurti. 

Perfumed cold air muzzled with the hot polluted air in my nostrils and the struggle continued till the diaphragm of the lungs. The conditioned air inside the mall was a relief from the wrath of the unforgiving sun outside. 

We dint have as much as a plan. We just had a mutual consent that we will meet at platform 19A at 1PM. Neither of us had actually given a real thought on what to do once we meet. While in the bus I had a flash of this thought and thankfully my eyes lingered a over a sign board ‘Mantri Square’ after a while. So I had this reserve plan if both of us run of alternative ideas. So it happened and we were inhaling the filtered air inside Mantri Square.

She never liked being in malls. She was uncomfortable with the expensive air which circulated inside these concrete retail structures. On the other hand, I always felt at home within these buildings. I had a natural taste for shopping and I guess that would be one trait of mine which my wife will adore!

We started to stroll…aimlessly.

That girl with a Magic Wand - I

PLATFORM 19A

The air was hot. There was nothing unusual about it as the spring has already paved its way to the baking summer. Moreover during the peak hour of the day, one can hardly expect otherwise. But somewhere around me, a cold breeze lingered. And the fact that I was travelling in a jam packed bus (which I hate) made it ever surprising!

Feeling the hot air on my face from the window seat, I looked at the people, silently nudging and pushing each other for space. No matter wherever you go it is very hard for a man to part with his comfort. He is always ready to wage a war for it, even in a crammed bus! 

Different people, different destinies, different destinations...all travelling in the same rickety bus. How interesting!!

Shifting my gaze over to the bustling streets, I continued my futile attempts to understand the entangled curves in the name boards written in Kannada. The hot air was unleashing its full fury by now.

I was on my way to meet a friend of mine. Hmm…I guess that’s not enough. Given that you are in the midst of people who identify you from a particular group, which is well sorted and comes with customized privacy settings, addressing someone as a mere friend falls quite short of a meaningful tag! 

Though we have known each other for quite a few years now, we were not ‘regular’ with each other. There were long gaps in between our conversations which were mostly in the form of mails, short-mails to be precise. Largely it was like timely acknowledgement of the fact that we were aware of each other’s existence. But still there was something special about our relationship. As she would rightly put it time and again, we shared a weird chemistry!

Ever since she came down to Bangalore, I have been trying to set up a meeting with her. But she was elusive. She kept running away from it for reasons known only to her. So when she agreed to this long awaited meeting, I was initially sceptical about its occurrence. Nevertheless, we agreed on the dates and here I was sitting in our crammed bus full of people craving for space.

The bus reached its destination and so did I. The bus station was our rendezvous point. It is from here the journey starts for the optimist and it is here where the journey ends for the pessimist. People from different walks of life gathering on a single platform, in between the journey to their destinations. Neither have they a common start nor have they a common finish. Still they all share a common ground even if that is only for a moment.

It was 1 PM. I would like to put it that way as I was 10 minutes late and I don’t like being late! Platform 19 A, our meeting spot, was at the other end of the bus station. I walked through the bustling crowd, staring at every face passing by. I was not pretty sure of her face. It also came with a privacy setting!!

The day which I looked forward to, since we talked for the first time, has arrived. A couple of minutes and she would come out of that virtual veil and reveal herself. Finally…after all these years I am going to see her, for the first time!!

Hoping that at least she would recognize me, I walked towards platform 19 A.

d mAd mAd worLd!

Honk!! Honk!! ...the screeching sound of the horns filled my ears. The next moment all the traffic lights flashed RED. Engines roared…heat poured. The junction was steaming. Dust and smoke swirled high in the sky trying to reach the unforgiving sun. A bead of perspiration trickled from my forehead and splashed on to the burning earth. The concrete world fluttered in the steam as if it would crumble the next moment.

You always have a two second lag between signals. It is like the blind spot of your eye. My eyes paused at the street lamp on the other side of the four lane. I had half a second to make my mind. I kicked myself forward and the lights turned GREEN!

Smoke gushed out from the engines. Horns screeched. Steam rushed in through my nostrils and puffed up my lungs. My gaze never wavered. I could sense those roaring monsters nearing. I never stopped.

I heard a steaming monster screeching past me when I hit the pole. A smile emerged from the corner of my face. I felt exhilarated. I felt liberated, cutting my way across the race…across the crowd…across the madness!

I saw people. People hurrying & scurrying everywhere. I took a closer look of their faces.

Oh dear! They dint have eyes!! They just had two holes instead. I looked even closer.

In one hole they had a timepiece…ticking…’TICK’… ‘TICK’… ‘TICK’…

In another, they had a roll of paper. A green roll…a bundle of currency. It kept rolling in & out!

Alas! They were blind!

They never even blinked. Blinking would mean they would miss a ‘TICK’ in their clock and a roll of the paper!

Slowly a shadow started to sweep across the madness. Anxious faces stole glances of the changing face of sky. The hurrying & scurrying increased dramatically. And then without warning the inevitable happened!

The scent of earth filled my nostrils when the first drop touched down. Just like the drop which shattered while touching down, the mad world scattered into different directions.

Water soaked my glasses. I saw the world through the moisture in my glasses. Blurred…faded…unclear. 

Puddles of water echoed my footsteps as I stepped over the floating concrete world.

Mother Nature wept. She was tired…of the race…of the heat…of the crowd…of the madness!

The sky reflected her emotions.

As I walked through the wet streets, my footsteps ricocheted from the thick concrete walls surrounding me.

The MAD MAD world was again preparing for the MAD MAD race!

A tear or two trickled from the skies.

Ya me despido!

“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget”.   -Arundhati Roy

Water rushed through my nose and ears. The air in my lungs pushed the water out from my nose. I could hear bubbles making their way to the top, only to burst into tiny insignificant fragments. Water! It was all over and I could feel it. I fought my urge to swim, so that I could feel it for some more time. Eventually, I had to give up as the air in my lungs started to flag caution. I gasped for breath after reaching the other end of the pool.

Fresh air gushing into the lungs. I could feel every muscle of my body de-stressing itself. I could feel the pressure draining out of my head. I could feel my heartbeat calming down. I could feel life.

One hour in water and I felt lighter walking back to my room. Seeing a puff of smoke emanating from a corner turn, I halted myself beside the railway track. The tracks started to shiver violently as a deafening whistle approached. My lighter body felt the tremors more visibly than usual while the train crossed over.

As the ‘X’ symbol disappeared along the curve, I saw flow marks all through the tracks. A funny fact which I have heard somewhere through my college days popped in my mind. The largest toilet in the world - Indian Railways, starting from Kanyakumari and extending all the way up to Jammu Tawi! ‘India is a developing country’. My parents learned the above sentence in their school days. I learned the same thing in my school and I am sure, my children will also learn exactly the same sentence from their teachers. ..Sigh!! I resumed walking.

Lying flat on my bed, I left my mind free. The soft, airy cushion of my laziness was punctured by a familiar ringtone from my phone. With a tired smile emanating from the corner of my face, I picked up the phone, totally unprepared for the oncoming news.

‘Hello’, I said in a sleepy tone.

—    Silence — 

‘Hello achu…can you hear me..?’ I asked. Laziness still hadn’t left my voice.

Then I heard sobs from the other end.

‘Achu…what happened dear? Why are you crying...?’ 

‘Raghu is dead!!’ The female voice on the other end sobbed. 

I froze!! 

‘What..??’  I could sense the shivering in my voice. 

‘Bike accident ..... …early morning 00.30 ….. …he was coming home from work ‘.The sobs became heavier. 

I could not talk. All I could sense in my body was my heart. The ‘Lub-Dub’ sound kept ringing in my ears.

My senses were unfrozen by the deafening cry of a pig being slaughtered in the neighboring slum. Once again I could hear the sobs from the other end. I dint know what to do. I dint know what to say. I tried to console her, but in vain. How can I console someone else when I myself am going through pain?!

The silence and the sobs continued for some more time. I mumbled some words of consolation to her and after a while hang up the phone. I was in pain.

I have lost my friends. I have lost my relatives. I never cried. But this guy, Raghuram, I hardly knew him. Yet I could not hold back my tears. For the first time in my life, I wept, hearing about a death. Of all the rotten souls in this world HE chose his. I wept like a child.

Raghuram Ramachandran, trainee reporter at The Indian Express. Our dads were classmates. He lives in Chalakkudy. He is an alumnus of IIJNM, Bangalore. Once I have talked to him and our conversation lasted only a few lines. That was all about him that I knew. And that was all about us. 

Somehow the news of his death shook me to the core. I dint know why, but I felt pain.

For the past couple of weeks, I had a strange habit of keeping track of his posts and updates in Facebook. Even now I don’t know why I did that. May be because they tickled my interests.

He had the picture of Buddha in his profile. I admired Buddha. He was a true revolutionary. A man who defied logic then. A father who left behind his son. A husband who left behind his wife. A king who left behind his kingdom.  A man who set out to find the ultimate truth. A man who brought about a revolution…a belief…a new way of life. 

From what little I understood about Raghu, he was passionate. He had the fire within…the flame of life! He did not simply exist...he lived.

My mind started to shoot questions to my head. I needed answers but I was confused. My only hope was my comrade. She also shared the same relationship with Raghu as mine. I started to talk.

Me: Heavyhearted!

Com: Me too. And then I wonder what people close to him are going through?

Me: Don’t know what to say or do…sitting numb. The demise of a likeminded soul         has left me handicapped!!

Com: I understand. I think somewhere along, he was someone like us. A little weird, a little crazy, passionate. He had a light within himself. Sometimes life takes you by surprise. And then you take a moment to value life and certain people in your life.

Me:  Define justice.

        Define fairness.

        Define God.

Com: It is all subjective. But at certain points in life like these, one fails to find a definition that makes sense.

Me: Why do we get emotionally attached to certain people in life though we hardly know them?!

Com: I also have been wondering the same.

Me: I feel pain. How will his mother take it? How can a mother endure it? It’s the most painful thing she will ever see in her life. The body of her child lying still…cold in front of her eyes. I cannot imagine her plight. Silence is banging my ears!

Com: Relax dear…please calm down. Shit happens but life has to move on.

It hurts so badly when his batch mates pull out these old group pictures and ‘share’ or ‘like’ it on Fb again today.

Me: Even death has become a celebration now!!

……..

Ya me despido! It’s time to say goodbye!!

The ashes might be rising high,
the tears will be sinking deep,
Oh rebel! Yet nobody knows,
where your soul is breathing.
Except for the stars,
sparkling in the heaven!

Salute…!!